Have hope in life, for you are hope and life.

Today my family did something really special and bought me a new TV.  And a Wii!

I am so excited to finally have this chore out of the way.  My dad is happy, I am happy.  It was a great house-warming gift – more than I would have ever asked for or expected.  Thanks, mommy & daddy :)  It has made this transition so much more fun!

September has been a huge month.

I finally said goodbye to Greenbrook apartments this week.  I loved them as my very first apartment complex, but I love Country Squire even more.  This place really feels like home.

From the beginning I had issues with the Greenbrook staff.  No one knew what they were doing, lost my appointments, made me wait for my keys, and then losing my last appointment for the walk-thru inspection.  Ugh!  But I will miss the great maintenance and all the greenery.

In Country Squire, I love the tall ceiling, the open living room, the tall windows, the parking, my own private side of the patio, places to walk my dogs, proximity to the tennis courts and swimming pool – I really like it here, besides the poor maintenance service :(

Oh, and have a patio now!

I think the dogs like it here, too.  I am really happy and am so blessed to be somewhere I finally consider “home.”

Monday

Went out with the family and ate at another of my favorite restaurants, Tio Pepe’s.  After lunch, we went to Micke Grove Zoo, another attraction I hadn’t been to in years.  Though much smaller than Memphis, it was just nice to be in my hometown.  We walked around the small zoo and took pictures together, which really meant the most to me.

This little guy peed shortly after this picture.


The Linford family at the Micke Grove Zoo.
Steven, 21; Dad, 57; Mom, 49; and Jamie, 24.

Tuesday

Today made me reminisce about my high school and college days the most.  The early afternoon was spent with Callyan at Kohl’s, which is what we always did when I was in Cali :]  From there we met Liz at Eddie’s Pizza on Hammer Lane, which I used to eat at a lot with Jason.  I loved it.  The pizza was delicious, and the cheesy bread was the best.  Then Lizzie showed us around her new home, a condo in Quail Lakes, which reminded me of my last year at Stagg.  And after visiting at Lizzie’s, and saying goodbye to Mimi at her cute home, I met up with Andrea and made some ridiculous memories in the Stagg parking lot with the marquee.  Man, I miss my California girls.  She and I said goodbye after taking a slew of pictures in front my house, just like we had the year before :]

My two very best friends after our lunch date at Eddie's.


Hugging one of the best things to ever come out of my junior year at Stagg.


The marquee; remembering the best and worst times.

Wednesday

The family’s trip to San Francisco was fun, but overwhelming.  The city is indeed beautiful and quaint in its own awkward way.  Tourists from all walks of life and continents visited the big city.  We stopped by Pier 39, then the Golden Gate bridge, and then Coit Tower.  I had so much fun, and it was amazing to be there with my family, but at the end of the day traffic was terrible.  It almost made the entire trip terrible.  Never leave San Francisco in 5:00 rush hour traffic.  It will take you three hours to get home!  And two of those are just getting to 1-5 from the inner city!  Nonetheless, I’m happy we went.  If we had just left earlier we would’ve been okay.

On the pier!


At Coit Tower, enjoying the view and weather.

Thursday

I woke up and tried to will myself back to sleep; tried to beg silently to Father Time to rewind the clock.  I wanted desperately to stay and not have to board another plane to arrive in another city, just to leave my family again.  I hugged Mister goodbye, knowing that this year might be his last with us.  I hugged Blackie and kissed him gently, hoping this wouldn’t be my final goodbye to our 16 year old Chihuahua.  I scooped up Kit-Kat, the cat I rescued from the pound with my then-boyfriend, and squeezed her.  She won’t have anything to do with me, because she loves my mom, but deep down I think she knows she’s mine.  At the airport, it was a quick goodbye, which I always figure to be best, because it doesn’t give my time to process what is happening.  Quick hugs and kisses, and then I was up in the air.  It was until after my layover I started struggled with my tears.  I wanted desperately for the little Asian girl next to me not to wonder why I all of a sudden started to sob.  I held it in, wanting painfully to wake up once again in my old twin bed, in my old green room, with my old little pets, and my loving family in the room across the old, Corvette-filled hall.

Goodbye, Blackie!

Friday

My best friend Liz picked me up from my parents’ house and we stopped at Walgreen’s to drop off six-year-old camera film.  From there we ate lunch at Alberto’s – delicious guacamole covered taquitos!  Then we drove to Sacramento and shopped at the outside mall; my favorite store there is their Forever 21.  However, we didn’t find anything there, and left to shop at Arden Fair.  I bought the cutest dress from American Eagle and we found the best sale at New York & Co.  After finishing up our shopping trip, she dropped me off with plans for dinner the following night.

Saturday

Me and the fam spent some quality time at Verizon, adding me to their new plan.  This is when I got my new LG enV Touch (9014847465).  After three hours of going over our plan and making sure we understood everything, we left and shopped for desserts at Raley’s.  We spent our evening eating grilled chicken and an array of delicious food at Lizzie’s parents’ house.  It was great to have all my favorite people under one roof.  It was a great night.

Sunday

Callyan and I left early for Santa Cruz.  It had been years since I went to the Boardwalk, and it was amazing.  Maybe it was because it’s been so long, but I really relished every moment in the California sunshine.  The sand between my toes, the ocean licking at my heels, the smell of carnival delicacies, tickets and rides.  It was all a blast from the past, which made for an even more memorable afternoon.  We saw the Caveman on the Sky Glide, rode the Giant Dipper, and walked down the sand bar while everyone enjoyed the breeze, the blue ocean, and the sun.  Before we left our final treat was a monstrous turkey leg and a ride on the old carousel.  Great end to a great day.

Such a fun, scary ride!


The best Boardwalk ever!


Love the sand between my toes.

Wednesday

On Wednesday morning, Scott took me to the airport and I started my way back to California.  I liked stopping in Salt Lake City, the view even from the airport was beautiful.  The trip went by quickly, especially since I was asleep for most of it.  I stepped onto the escalator of the Sacramento International Airport and saw my family awaiting my arrival.  We hugged, retrieved my suitcase, and started on our way back to Stockton. 

I felt better to be back around people who love me, but even driving closer to Stockton made me roll my eyes.  This little town hasn't changed at all -- despite the massive overhaul.  Oh, Stockton.  I'm glad I only visit you once a year.  I'm still trying to talk my family into moving here.

After eating lunch at Jack In the Box -- yay for Sourdough Jacks! -- I left to pick Mimi up and drove all the way to LA.  Thankfully she drove a majority of the way, because I was getting sleepy.  She made oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies that helped get me through the long car ride.  Thankfully, traffic wasn't bad at all.  And I got to experience the coolness of her iPhone's GPS.  It was sweet.  We checked into our ghettro hotel room just in time to see the fireworks from the Disney park.  We snuggled in, and fell asleep fast.

Thursday

I woke up happy and ready for the new day!  We had finally made it to the park and Mimi bought me a banana and some Powerade for breakfast.  We rode Pirates of the Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Tower of Terror, Space Mountain, the Matterhorn, and some other rides.  We ate in New Orleans Square -- I had a Mint Julip lemonade for the first time, and I loved it!  We finished the day as we started, riding Pirates and Mansion for the last time after visiting Toon Town.  It was fun, but we were both exhausted.  We made it back to the hotel just in time to see the fireworks show again.

Friday
On our way home we stopped to see Mimi's dad.  The LA weather was beautiful.  After the visit, we stopped at Target, got some terrible service -- uh, why are you standing right in front of me and then walk away gossiping with your coworkers?!  Where's your supervisor?!  Anyway, we ate In-N-Out on the way home, which made my tummy happy.  After dropping Mimi off at her place, I came back to my parents' house and went to bed pretty early after I started cleaning out my closet.

Life is good.

Today was exactly what I needed.  A day away from everyone and everything, lost in my own thoughts.

Lost is the perfect to describe the way I'm feeling right now.

I'm just so ready for September to come to an end.

I am so proud of myself, because I spent today cleaning the apartment.

By cleaning I mean organizing and making the decision to finally get rid of things/clothes I never use/wear.

That's big for me.  I hang onto things forever, because everything has sentimental value for me.  Clothes, purses, everything!

I am ready to let go of everything!  I want less than I have now.  I want to de-clutter myself.

I made vows today to:

A. Get rid of clothes as I buy new clothes.
B. Wear clothes I've bought and never worn.
C. Get rid of clothes I bought and will never wear.
D. Not buy any more clothes I will never wear.
E. Be more responsible with financial choices.
F. Make use of the Aesics Scott bought me.  Run, walk, bike.
G. Not eat out of boredom.

Time for a Jamie tune-up.  Seems simple enough.  I'm ready to change.

I'm ready to be better.

I'm ready to move.

I'm ready to visit California.

I'm ready for anything!

ROAR ;]

Life right now, at this very moment, is perfect.

I'm relaxing in front of the TV with a full tummy, unconscious of my tormenting responsibilities.

I'm sitting at Scott's right now.  I actually declined to a weekend in Oxford with him and his family.  I just felt like I need to push the pause button on the VCR of life and breathe for a moment.  This week at work has felt curiously long and troublesome.  And I am happy that it's finally over.

I hadn't realized since last weekend that I haven't spent any time in a hotel with anyone since Jan.

Nashville offered flashbacks of sorts.

Spending a night in a hotel, visiting Opry Mills mall, being in Nashville, and Scott admitting he likes the smell of skunks!

Skunks?!

The only other person I have ever met that loves the smell of skunk stink was Jan.

Admittedly, momentarily, I found myself thinking of exes throughout the trip.  Just being so thankful that I have finally connected with a person that loves me in so many ways.

Realistically and honestly, no other boyfriend has given me as much as Scott has on any plane.  He is so giving and compassionate.  He's intelligent.  He's got integrity.  He treats me right.  He treats me right.

Why is that such a blessing?  Why is it so hard to find someone who knows what they're doing?

Thank you, God, for bringing me such a wonderful, balanced, loving, smart, handsome guy into my life.

Thank you for forcing me through so many losers and unsuccessful relationships to find a man who is everything where my standards should have started.

Thank you for making me realize what I need in my life.

Even if for whatever reason Scott and I don't work out, him coming into my life has meant so much.  And I will learn, and keep learning, from my life and time with him!

I have been so good lately about not shopping that I finally broke down and spent a day at Wolfchase Galleria, a most appealing mall here at Memphis.

Scott spoiled me this weekend with a beautiful dress -- and a bra!  What guy buys a bra for his girlfriend -- much less begs her to let him buy her it!  It was insane and it made me feel completely special.

• $  9.90  Hollister, Laguna Niguel knit tube
• $12.90  Hollister, Faria Beach knit tank
  
• $75.93  GAP, Real straight zipper jeans
• $12.98  Charlotte Russe, Draped lace halter dress
• $12.98  Charlotte Russe, Floral thin-strapped dress
  
• $10.98  Charlotte Russe, Solid braided cross-back tank
• $  6.96  Charlotte Russe, Solid belted jumper dress
  
• $  6.99  Charlotte Russe, Simply back stretch tube top
• $  8.00  Aeropostale, Solid basic cami, porcelain
• $  8.00  Aeropostale, Solid basic cami, bleach
• $  8.00  Aeropostale, Solid basic cami, auburn
• $  8.00  Aeropostale, Solid basic cami, sea
• $79.99  White House Black Market, Leaf print chiffon dress
  
• $42.00  Victoria's Secret, Strapless multi-way bra

Phew!  That was a lot.

To be fair, I made a vow to myself that I will be getting rid of clothes that I haven't worn, at the very least, in the last year.  It's time for me to let go and free myself from all this material garb.

Especially because I'll be moving into a new apartment next month!  I am so excited.  There are certainly things I will miss about Greenbrook.  My large windows, the second bedroom -- it's going to be hard to give up this extra space!  I'm hoping my furniture will fit into the new place with little struggle.  I'm sure I'm going to have to part with some of it though.

I'm excited and can't wait for the move.

Always daddy's little girl.

First and foremost, happy father's day to my wonderful daddy who is 2,000 miles away and missing me terribly.  I love him, and can't wait to see my family (both immediate and extended) when I come home in September.

Today, I went to the doctor's office to get rid of my pink eye, and the inevitable question somehow arose:

"How'd you get here from California?" the doctor asked me, with an enduring, grandfatherish smile.

Whenever somebody asks this question, I take a deep breath, and whatever comes out next is normally painful for me to admit.

"A guy."

I don't know why, but I've had to explain this to quite a few people as of lately, and it doesn't stir up negative feelings, but rather just memories and the realization that it's three years later, and I'm still here in Memphis despite "a guy."

A random car parked next to my work with a CALI PLATE!

In August, it will be exactly three years since I moved here.  It doesn't bother me, just asks for me to constantly calculate just how long it's been since I've lived in the same city with my own family.  How many holidays I miss, how many birthdays I miss, how many special and terrible events that have occurred in all of our lives of which neither of us have been or will be a part.

In my first few months of moving here, I had made many friends at my new job.

It had taken two months of being friendless before the miracle PetSmart had finally happened.

The first trip I had taken with any of my new friends was with Angela to Hot Springs.  It was fun just hanging out, getting away from the guy troubles and missing my family -- having no cares or worries while shopping around the mall.

We walked through each store, and twice we went to Romancing the Stone, where I bought my first pets since moving to Memphis and being petless.

Two tiny hermit crabs.

One hermit crab remains three years later.

Soon after I brought them home, one died from exposure trying to transfer shells.  Since then the other hermit crab has lived in solitude, me learning all too late that he prefers it this way, having massacred another crab I later brought home to befriend him.

So a creature said by books and manuals to want a companion will choose to spend its life alone.  Living up to his name.  A hermit.

In many ways, it is like a reflection of my life.  Feeling alone, desiring companionship, yet unwelcoming and unbending to most who attempt to enter my life.

A cool dip, maybe?

I filled up his miniature swimming pool last night, and watched as he sprouted.

"Hello, long time friend," I said, patting his shell with my index finger.  His antennae appeared to wave back in response.

For a month at a time I seem to seclude myself like a hermit.  Avoiding all contact, and not wishing to really spend time with anyone.  This month has been different, and for that, I'm thankful.

Though sometimes I like to think I can predict the waves of my life, there is definitely no true rhythm.  Although some of the past months reflected the first months of my life here, it is all too different to say it's a pattern.

The loneliness I felt then and what I feel recently is not the same.  The friendships I have now and the ones I have then have a differing chemical make-up.  I feel like so much has shifted and change, I could even say it feels like I'm in a different dimension of life.

Three years seems like a long time since I've moved from California.

But three years in Memphis seems like a nano-second in comparison.

I like where life is right now.  Having adjusted to really living on my own, finding and figuring out which friendships were true, and having found a good balance between partying with my friends, family time with the boyfriend, time for God, and alone time with myself and my dogs.

I think everyone has their hermit moments.  I know everyone deserves a right to them.  A moment to recharge and suit up to change your life for the better.  I think that is what happens when I tune out and go MIA for a while...learning how to readjust myself.

I love my little hermit crab and everything of which he reminds me.

I cannot wait to visit my family in California.  It has been all too long, and I'm craving a trip to Disneyland or down Highway 1, or the mist of San Francisco and Lombard Street, and a loving embrace from my parents.  I miss it sometimes,  greatly.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

* I found a dress I want to wear in July, but I need to lose some weight.  Operation eat healthy, walk-fast a go.
* Why are all the cats' tails in my apartment complex shaved into a spiral?
* I like diluted drinks.  I wonder if I'm the only one like that.
* I cleaned my apartment this weekend, and feel like a weight has been lifted.
* Pink-eye medicine is painfully expensive.  Sigh.